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Thursday
Jul232009

Nobody Really Wants to Fuck a Robot

Of course. They make us safer. They assemble cars really fast. They spell check. They eliminate human error. Machines have improved every facet of the human experience save for one.

Nobody really wants to fuck a robot.

Despite that fact, advertisers insist on teasing us with cyborg sluts. Because we're in the Future and we are sexual deviants and we have titanium cocks. It used to be a rare to see a robo-ho. Lately, they're everywhere.

Minnie, the Heineken spokes-bot, has two extra arms specially designed for tapping the mini keg that is chilling conveniently inside her torso. Grodie. I mean Boner City, 2050! The Perfect Women, am I right, fellas?

This obedient fembot doesn't have a name, but let's just call her Geisha-bot because she is very, very Asian. She slides an electric shaver into her wrist and gives a handjob (cuz she's Asian) to this dude's face in the Champagne Room of the Future. Who could ask for more? Creepy.

Remember when human women used to be alive? Nope. Geisha-bots are the best!

This is the most baffling "sexy" robot campaign yet. Svedka hired Stan Winston Studios to design Svedka_Grl, who is basically I, Robot with injection molded naughty bits. This vodka, which is from the year 2033, reeeaaally hates women. The ads suggest that flesh & blood females are obsolete and this shiny white gynoid is the next evolutionary step. Makes perfect sense. She has built-in stilettos.

Yes, I realize there's 3,000 essays written about Svedka's misogynist message. But how about this: Way to trivialize the gays, Svedka! Also, who is Svedka for? Straight dudes? They all think you just called them gay, so you're officially out of allies, brah. No one likes you. That's not true, Svedka sells so well.

Getting back to my original point: Why do this? This is worse than Michelob Ultra appealing to all the mountain bikers of the world (all 7 of them); this is appealing to a completely non-existent psychographic of dudes who idealize a world where there are NO WOMEN and ONLY CYBORGS that pretend to be horny. That literally sounds like a nightmare.

That's not a thing! That's a lie! No one wants that! The only thing on Earth with a license to be Future Sexy is Justin Timberlake.

Let's look at some other fembots that are supposed to be Future Sexy but are, in fact, the opposite of that.

Ewwww! Remember when you saw that pretty girl's naked torso hanging there like a tire swing with her spine all blowing in the wind? And she's looking at you with those eyes like, "Isn't this what you imagined it would be like?" No! God! Get out of my head, Evil!

"A drug person can learn to cope with things like seeing his dead grandmother crawling up his leg with a knife in her teeth, But no one should be asked to handle this trip." - Hunter S. Thompson

Come on, dude! Why even transform into a pretty girl if you're going to do that? Cover's blown, just stay a robot, Christ.

If there's one medium you can rely on to go totally crazy with the tubes and wires sticking out of a woman, it's Anime. If this turns you on then you are, clinically speaking, also a robot. Congrats on the A.I., humans. We're all going to die.

Janet Jackson really is on some next level shit. If she lived in Zion, every time she'd enter the Matrix with her crew, they'd be like, "Janet, you can't wear that in the Matrix. We all stick to a theme when we do this." And she'd be like, "this time my name is Voltage."

"Sorry my Stepford Wife ruined Poker Night again, boys. She is being such a bitch about her face."

Why even make them that big? This is weird. It really comes down to the idea of soft person flesh getting accidentally pinched and crushed by machine parts. Literal boner-killer. Gross.

Wait. Did you just order me to get a drink? But you're the robot! No, you are! NO, YOU ARE!!

Arcee was the first girl Transformer. She opened a huge psychological door for young boys. All the questions that bubbled up with Arcee were pretty much always answered with a resounding yes. As in yes, she definitely dated all the Autobots including Bumblebee and Hot Rod. And yes, I think I liked her-liked her when I was 6.

Fuck it, Björk gets a free pass. Björk always gets one because she is the best. Besides, robot on robot is different than human on robot. Sorrowful Björk-noids have their own problems without us. Let'em work it out.

Yo, great news! Svedka isn't just championing a male-only future; they have a sweet new campaign to eliminate all women from the present! All you have to do is turn yourself into a Svedka party_bot!

Just submit your headshot, full name as it appears on your birth certificate, Social Security number, and date and place of birth for Svedka Identity Replacement (SIR) to take the reigns.

Goodbye, human world of 2009. Hello cold, sexy 2033. Who wants to fuck me?

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Reader Comments (11)

Patrick,
i think you Totally missed the point of the Svedka Bot-builder.
See, the picture you upload is supposed to be of some hotty you desire but have only creepily stared at in real life. That way you can have imaginary sex with the robot you created of them online without their knowledge or permission... which may or may not be as weird as creating a sexy robot version of yourself.

August 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermdg

you're on digg:

http://digg.com/design/Nobody_Really_Wants_to_Fuck_a_Robot

September 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDugg

I'd totally screw a robot. Only a female robot though, no homo

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNinjaTurtle

a robot casts a dimension on a useful thinkers aura, a confused robot rebels a button or two, a sentient machine is driven overpowered by some force, and an android sentience cant figure the sense of thinking in one , asking. so the proper response is to give them something to do. like an, electric chainsaw, that streams time distortion and repels it. theres no difference,,, just busy signals, and when to collect a back-up power supply, and offer or change, you to sawdust. theres an accomplisment in sex / theres a figure that forgets / and knows better, at once. time is all that really laments. cencorship is violence.,, screw a robot today.

March 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commentergweenie

Nobody Really Wants to Fuck a Robot? what do you mean? I already pre ordered one.
because it's safer (A: no HIV, B: no kids ), it's cheaper (you don't have to pay for her drama classes, just download some upgrades), and if you pre order, you get free kamasutra database updates for 5 years.. it can't get any better than that.. and the best part - they don't mix talking with f**king..
just wait few more years, and you will see, nobody will want to f*ck the real women any more.

April 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTom

After reading all of this, I still would fuck a robot girl.

May 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMaster Baitor

Those are some sexy robots you got there :D

January 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSHade

Sex-up a Robo-ho? Well no, not one of those half-human-half-circuit board looking critters up above, no. And I would never even THINK about getting busy with Sexbot 1.0 no matter who made it; it would rip off my wing-wong the first time it blue-screened during orgasm (and you know it would).

But later versions, the ones that while all machine on the inside look like Mean Girls-era Lindsay Lohan on the outside...mmmm. I for one cannot wait.

September 5, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterE-Peen X9000

Thanks, commentors, for reminding me there are still strides to be made in misogyny and the objectification of women. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

April 16, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterD

Yeah...I would not hesitate to fuck a robot.

March 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterDavid

Well I don't have much of a choice I actually want to be intament with a robot and have one as a companion because human women seem to have no interest in me what so ever.....so a robot woman might actually be my last resort for my life.....not to mention she has an off switch.....

November 6, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterYetrøl

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